a double standard

12 Aug

up until recently, i hadn’t realized a certain intricacy of my post-west point life.

i met my wonderful boyfriend, christopher, at west point during my senior year there. as most of you know, west point is a very male dominant academic institution. i think we’re up to 16% female students with the class of 2016 now – so although the percentage is increasing, it is still overwhelmingly male.

i dated a different boy during my second and third year of college, and he was without a doubt a controlling, and very jealous person in my life. he would become upset when i would be the only girl in a projects group in class, “but, i’m the only girl in the whole class – i didn’t have a choice!” or when i’d work out with a guy, “but he’s the physical development officer! we’re working on my run time!” so i almost fully attributed his jealousy/controlling nature to his personality and his own problems – something external to the environment.

because once i met christopher i instantly was drawn to him by his wordless trust and big, giving heart. i never thought that he would be the “jealous-type,” and he never proved himself to be. but honestly, i just thought to myself that i was the luckiest girl alive and didn’t delve too deeply into what was going on. he learned, from the very beginning of our relationship that my career choice meant, that for the next 5-8 years i would be surrounded by men. and he trusted that i would make the right choices and hold our relationship close to my heart. which i did, and which i do now – in a work environment where i am the only lady, but i blabber on about christopher to anyone who will listen.

well, what a shock to my system when christopher graduated west point. at school christopher only hung out with his guy friends, and occasionally a girl or two. and i was used to that. i knew the ladies, and the abundance of guys didn’t allow a passing twinge of jealousy at all. and then all of a sudden he was at vanderbilt medical school, a place where i have no ties or understanding – at a school that has almost half guys and girls!

frankly, i was scared. i knew west point. when he would tell me “i have formation” or “today we have a parade” i knew exactly what he was going through and i understood. with a new school, i was afraid that we would lose touch through there no longer being a shared medium.

so there was that. then there was also me having to get used to girls again. so frankly, for the first time, i felt a little threatened. girls at west point didn’t threaten me, because i knew them, and frankly – we don’t look cute in a uniform and the guys viewed us all as sisters (for the most part). but girls in real life have flowing hair and cute, body hugging outfits!!

i told christopher this one day. i never thought i would be the jealous type. but here i was, worried that these new girls would try to steal my handsome prince away. christopher brushed away my comment, lovingly explaining to me that would never happen, his heart is only for me.

THEN IT DAWNED ON ME:
this fear and confusion that i felt, with my wonderful christopher being surrounded by new things i was too far away to deal with or comprehend, that was nothing compared to how he must feel. he has to deal with me being the only girl in a far away land. and he is strong and doesn’t whine about it like i do. so i told him, that i appreciated his intense and silent trust, that i love him.

and then i realized i just needed to put my trust back in him, and quit worrying about those things i can’t impact. he loves me and doesn’t want to burden me with uncomfortable feelings that go unwarranted.Β 

as long as this is the face that i stare longingly at on google hangout, the man who internet-phone calls me after class waking me up during the african night, and the first person i whatsapp message in the morning while he is just getting ready to go to bed – i consider myself the luckiest girl and cannot wait to be in his arms again!

Β 

Image

xoxo,annie

p.s. just learning how to be in an ultra-long distance relationship lol

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3 Responses to “a double standard”

  1. Kimberly Cale August 12, 2013 at 9:51 am #

    It’s all so very exciting! Life is filled with bumps and jolts and wonderful surprises! <3

  2. UPPERCASE LETTERS August 12, 2013 at 7:19 pm #

    Why is there no fucking capitalization?! Fix that shit. Seriously.

    • Anastasia Cale August 13, 2013 at 12:23 am #

      lol nope, i’m not writing an english paper!

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